December 28, 2013

a mess of letters formed into messy words.

I'm really good at not blogging for months. I think that I forget that it doesn't really matter, though, so I don't even feel guilty because it's my blog and it's for me. (Sorry, but it ain't for anyone else out there.)

I think the reason I haven't blogged is because all I want to do is post vague poems about no one in particular, but I'm not 16 anymore and I don't know if that's allowed when you grow past 16, so I kind of gave up.

There's a lot going on--just like always-- and I'm in the weird nostalgia mode because it's almost New Year's Eve and it makes me all crazy when that time of year comes around. I never really do much to celebrate--beside one time when I kissed a boy in the snow a lot of times--but this year I really want to do something exciting. Something that I'll never forget. (I'll stand by you when you say, "Mo, you know that's not happening.") But maybe I will. Maybe I'll kiss that boy that is off limits, or go bridge jumping in ice cold water, or burn a list of negative things from the year 2013. Or maybe I'll ring in the new year with my 9 year old brother because he doesn't have anything fun to do either. I'm a little nervous to ring it in though because 2014 is a year of big changes. My best friend moves to Africa, I'll finish my freshman year, and I'll leave my family again in August, and miss Christmas with them. I'll make a big decision in February, and I'll say goodbye to dear Mel who leaves back to Brazil for good. I'll move to a new city for the summer, but that's a good change. Those are all the things I do know, and what I don't know could be crazy too, you know?

I want to end this last week with no regrets. I don't have any regrets from this year, really, except for one that's lingering. I have to make a few things right with some people close to my heart. The problem is that I don't know if anything is actually wrong or if it's me just end-of-year-panic-thinking. I'm almost positive that that's a real thing. So, we'll see if that happens before Tuesday.

There's things I haven't understood about this year, there are things that I've loved and there's things that I would do 10 times over again. There's things I'd pay tribute to, and things I will never forget. Every December as I look back on the year behind me I always seem to think, "This has been the biggest year yet. I've had the biggest trails, the biggest smiles, and the tallest growth." This year is no exception. I want to run to someone and tell them all about how wonderful it was and how much I learned, but all the people that I usually run to are gone, and that's frustrating, but I will see them soon enough, and then I can catch them up on two sets of 365 wonders.

Well, this is all I have the heart power to let out because I'm not being very good at vulnerability today. My heart isn't on the sleeve of this jacket, but maybe I'll wear something different tomorrow with the perfect shape to hold my heart on my left forearm.

Until then.


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