If only I could explain the change that has happened over the last few months. It would be a miracle for that to ever happen. 

I think God is sitting on a cloud right now, reading a chapter book titled "My Morgan" and as he turns the page he says to himself, "Oh, this is going to push her." But, before it pushes me, he places his hand in mine so that when it does he is being pushed right alongside me. Sometimes I feel like only our pinkies are keeping us together, but then he interlocks the rest of his fingers and I'll feel safe again. 

I'm not trying to be negative in the slightest, but the months since graduation have been the greatest and hardest climb that I've ever made. I don't know if I've ever been this strong and weak all at once. I've had my faith tested almost every day since June, and I've never prayed so much in my entire life. Here's the thing about it all, though. I've never LEARNED so much either. There is really so much that I could tell you that I don't even know where to begin, or even if I should begin to tell you. I've had this blog post screen in front of me for about 2 hours now and I've only gotten to this point because I'm at a loss for words on a page because my mind is so full of them.

I want to be so many things and do many things but there is literally not enough time in the day for me to do everything that my heart desires and that has been one of the biggest challenges. I want to be in Salt Lake County and Utah County and Brighton, England and Spain and running and in bed and in love and singly independent and everything that contradicts itself and can't happen in the same day-- in the same day. 

Growing up is such a weird thing. Everyone tells you how different it is from what you imagine, or they tell you that it will go a certain way, but it doesn't. It never goes how you want it to, or maybe it does--just not the way you think it will. As much as I say that, though, it's one of those things that you have to experience for yourself. 

Senior year of high school I told everyone that I was going to save the world one day. (Don't worry, I still tell everyone that.) I told everyone that I was going to be off, far away from home, in this big place doing wonderful things and being instantly successful and completely fine. So, when I moved only 45 minutes away from home I started getting the attitude that I was letting all those words go to waste. I never thought I would be the one to come home on the weekends just because I wanted to, and I never thought it'd be me that doesn't know exactly what she wants to do in the future. 

I've realized that it's okay, though. It's okay to not be out of the state and far away from home. It's okay to love Utah and to love the friends I had before college just as much as the new ones I make. I'm young and it's okay to be dependent sometimes. 

It's been such a journey for me, and I have so much more to tell you, if you're reading, keep reading because I'll keep writing. Thank you.

enduringly,

morgan.

And Then the Tears Began

 

 I quietly pulled on my white button down and heels, slipped on my earrings, and tied back my hair. Alone, I walked out the door and across the street. I sat down and peered out to all the familiar faces. The organ began to play, and I stood up. I lead the voices with a soft swish of my hand. The last prayer was said before I gathered my things, I walked to class when I heard a voice, a voice I was longing to hear, ask how I was. "Great." I replied to that voice as it slowly faded down the hall.

Twelve noon hit and I prayed that I would at least get to say, "Good bye" to that voice, no matter how hard it is for that simple phrase to roll of my tongue.

Nothing.

I chose to walk home with an old friend, because I felt that it was what I needed. What earlier was a voice, became a wave from the car driving past us. We started talking about them, those two that were leaving tomorrow, the voice and the other one. We spoke of how much we admired them. The other one walked up. He talked to her, but I knew that I was supposed to be there. His sweet words brought smiles and watery eyes. Finishing up with a, "I'll see you in December, or maybe even earlier."

It wasn't "Good bye," and that made everything okay.

So, to that voice, I didn't say, "Good bye" because it's not good bye yet, just a, "I'll see you in December, or maybe even earlier."

Perpetually Yours,
morgan jo.