Karuna Sahita

As time went by thoughts filled up my brain (and the notepad on my phone), and some of them are here to shared. (Uncut, unexplained, and unfinished.)

We couldn't be more opposite, you and I. Some reason though, we need each other. I'm still figuring out why.

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Your words are like knives that cut my wrist like my fingernails do when I need to be soothed.

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I'm ready to tell you the truth. I kept you around because it was convenient to have someone to say, "nice legs" with no commitment attached to the front of it, and nice to know that behind his tight grasp I had something to make him jealous if I'd ever needed to. I never did though because he was beautiful. I use the term was only because its been too long for me to make that call today. He's still beautiful in my mind, and maybe I'll see him again.

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There's a reason that there's always a J. Willard in my second semester seminary class. 

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I have insecurities that seem to be picking themselves out like an ink stain on a blank sheet of typewriter paper. As I sat tonight, next to beauties of poetry, I noticed that . . .

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I wonder what it will feel like to

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I don't like to put myself in social situations. That's not true. I love social situations, I'm just really, really bad at them. Usually some awkward person that I know I should say hello to but I don't know how, a cute boy that I'd love to small talk with and then that really pretty girl that I wish I were.

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So what if I like the nice boys, and the smart boys, and the boys that aren't perfectly beautiful. One time, I tried that and perfectly beautiful boys usually know how to run. Which is terribly unfortunate to the non runner.

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My thought process goes like this sometimes: was I a bad girlfriend? Do I pray loud enough? Do I talk to much in seminary? Is she actually more beautiful than me, or is it just me being my worst critic?

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I claim to like your best friend, but I flirt with you more, so that may cause a bit of trouble.

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I love love, no?

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Certain people make me feel safe. Connor once told me that I only take risks on occasion. Too bad he was right. Miles makes me feel safe, Logan makes me hesitate, Addy makes me feel at home, Marley makes me feel normal, and that's all safe.

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One time, 3 boys texted me all in one night just to say hello, and it wasn't even for Addy.

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Toby's comment today was too personal. It wasn't just him being the sexist pig that he is, it was a stab right at me.

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I'm holding my breath because every time I don't, I end up initiating something. It's bittersweet. Every boy I've ever kissed was only because I wanted to kiss them first, and do that I did. One day he will kiss me first.

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well, there's my bad writing for the month.

enduringly, mo.r.gan.

Today, and Answering Your Questions

I'm breaking my promise to myself and instead getting this out.

I felt done. I felt like I was finally past that 3 minute phone call. Two months was long enough for me to realize it all. My heart stopped pounding when I ate frozen yogurt, and I started listening to my favorite playlist again. 3 weeks ago I started being completely okay with you being gone. My heart was busy with other things, and I knew it would all be okay. I was, (and am) utterly happy.

I went to work today feeling the same thing until Kaden asked me what actually happened. I broke. My heart pounded and I felt everything. I felt it all. I missed him again. I didn't care what happened, or who asked, or why. I teared up and I just missed my friend. I haven't felt that for a long time, and I know I just have to sweep it under the rug again, but before I do, the following is for me.

I miss frozen yogurt, guacamole, PLL, and Wicked covers. I miss making fun of your best friend and Susan's treats. Remember how I never felt sad? Ever. I don't get to drive with my left hand, and, here's a secret, I love making you mad. That sarcasm hasn't come across again, and no one really seems to get mine like you did. I miss that darn ugly gorilla head and "that's what happens to black leather." (I literally just laughed.)

Hipster jokes? Prime. That shirt that Matthew ripped is still on the hanger because it makes me smile every time I see it. No one asks me questions over and over, or makes a big deal about my meat thing. No one offers me water, or makes me sit on the couch, or forces me to make all my own decisions anymore.

You're still the biggest facebook stalker I know. I bet you still run at night. I bet you miss lots of signals and make dinner every night. I hope you're having fun. Truly.

This broke my biggest promise to myself, "I will never write about him again." Darn.

I'm not trying to make him feel anything, or make him feel guilty. I'm just doing this for me.

I've never smiled so much while typing a blog post, actually. I just feel a little queazy, that's all. I hope he doesn't still read this.

Here's to a really, really great last six months.


And remember, I'll always love Tex the most.



P.S. Since I've had both yours and Matthew's Christmas gifts for 3 months now, can I still give them to you?

I tried so hard to be good today, but then I loved someone else, and I couldn't understand, and my apology wasn't good enough.



You can be hopeless, and happy all at once. Didn't you know?

I'm living proof.

Mor  ga  n