Today, and Answering Your Questions

I'm breaking my promise to myself and instead getting this out.

I felt done. I felt like I was finally past that 3 minute phone call. Two months was long enough for me to realize it all. My heart stopped pounding when I ate frozen yogurt, and I started listening to my favorite playlist again. 3 weeks ago I started being completely okay with you being gone. My heart was busy with other things, and I knew it would all be okay. I was, (and am) utterly happy.

I went to work today feeling the same thing until Kaden asked me what actually happened. I broke. My heart pounded and I felt everything. I felt it all. I missed him again. I didn't care what happened, or who asked, or why. I teared up and I just missed my friend. I haven't felt that for a long time, and I know I just have to sweep it under the rug again, but before I do, the following is for me.

I miss frozen yogurt, guacamole, PLL, and Wicked covers. I miss making fun of your best friend and Susan's treats. Remember how I never felt sad? Ever. I don't get to drive with my left hand, and, here's a secret, I love making you mad. That sarcasm hasn't come across again, and no one really seems to get mine like you did. I miss that darn ugly gorilla head and "that's what happens to black leather." (I literally just laughed.)

Hipster jokes? Prime. That shirt that Matthew ripped is still on the hanger because it makes me smile every time I see it. No one asks me questions over and over, or makes a big deal about my meat thing. No one offers me water, or makes me sit on the couch, or forces me to make all my own decisions anymore.

You're still the biggest facebook stalker I know. I bet you still run at night. I bet you miss lots of signals and make dinner every night. I hope you're having fun. Truly.

This broke my biggest promise to myself, "I will never write about him again." Darn.

I'm not trying to make him feel anything, or make him feel guilty. I'm just doing this for me.

I've never smiled so much while typing a blog post, actually. I just feel a little queazy, that's all. I hope he doesn't still read this.

Here's to a really, really great last six months.


And remember, I'll always love Tex the most.



P.S. Since I've had both yours and Matthew's Christmas gifts for 3 months now, can I still give them to you?

I Don't Know About Yours, But This Is My Truth

I don't want to say, "Remember when?" because that won't bring anything back. 

Here is the deal, I didn't want to write a big teen cliche "breakup" post, but currently, that's what's rolling off my fingers. I'm confused, and hurt, but I respect his decision one hundred percent. If I knew the details, I would let you know. 

Here's what I do know, though:
As many people have told me what to do, for today, I'm going to be sad. I'll find my happy soon, because I know right where it is, but to cope with my confusion, let me be blunt and sad.  Let me wear his tshirts to bed, and listen to all his music. Let me be friends with him still, if that's alright by him. And only if it doesn't toy with my emotions too much, because right now, I'm a bit unsure of what's going on, but too afraid to ask, so what it is now is fine. 

He taught me about family, and gave me his when I needed them most. He gave me an older brother, Matthew, who I know I'll look to, especially through change. He taught me not to worry. I learned what's important, (we'll talk about that later, love.) He taught me how to compromise.  

I learned that I'm harder to deal with then most, and I learned what to look for.

Girls, let me tell you a little something. I need you to learn to love yourself before you can "love" someone else. I loved Turner the way I knew how, and yes I still do;  The way I know how. But that's because I know how to make myself happy. I know how to be happy without someone glued at my hip, but when they are, it's even better. I know how to love God before anyone else, and I know how I work. (Sure, sometimes I forget how to deal with my anxieties, and sometimes it's too hard for others to handle. One day, someone will love my color coded planner and the way I do things. They'll love my almond snacking and the clothes that I wear.)

Things will work out if they're supposed to. And beyond my sad day today I see a beautiful future ahead of me.
Here's to UCLA and UofU. Here's to beginning again. Here's to my photography, and my writing, and my art. 

enduringly,
mo.rgan.

Unnecessary Post About Photos and A Beautiful Boy

"You're beautiful every little piece love."

I want to write something beautiful tonight, but nothing is coming out beautiful. My art is in the photos tonight, which is okay; that's worth at least a thousand words right? The way you can capture some split second moment is incredible. Here's the thing about photos. They aren't about perfection, and that's something I'm about--imperfection.

I don't know that this is even necessary to post, really. I don't usually post things like this.

I love you, baby. Come home soon.

Overdue Eviction Notice

This isn't poetic, or full of metaphors, or even very beautiful. It's honest though. (Which I think makes it pretty beautiful.)

Here's what I don't know: whether or not you'll be reading this. Which makes it just a little bit harder to write. (Because I don't know how you'll take any of it.) You're tentative, I know. I've had about three people tell me that now. But I think that's what I like most right now. 

Here's the thing. I've finally decided that I don't care what I say because, I mean, you should know, probably. You're really good at making me worry, but not really in a bad way.

I like the little things, like the way you kiss the yellow lights and drive while you hold my hand. I like the way my forehead gets touched by your lips a lot and I love when you turn our show on when we cuddle.

We argue sometimes, but only about dumb things or because neither of us will make a decision. Sure, I want you to get mad at Josh (or at me because of Josh) sometimes, but I know you just don't want to be mean. I get jealous of Tyler a lot, but we'll talk about that later.

Here's to lunches, and dates, and never not smelling like chlorine. Here's to our best friends at the pool. 

We can see the stars tonight. Remember that? I wished you didn't have to go running that night. You told me once that you didn't want me to go and said, "Can't you just be a little bit late?" The world is smaller than what that meant to me.

I like when you let go of your worries and just say the things that are on your mind. I think you have a hard time opening up, and that's why it only happens sometimes.

I get afraid that you're going to run away because sometimes I need you, and sometimes I want to be needed by you, but I don't know of that's okay with you. If it is, hold one eye open and close the other.

Here's to your art, and your handwriting. 

I hope that what I said on your birthday didn't bother you. I know I like you more than you like me, but for now, that's okay. I think I handle it pretty well. I like how you always asked me to come with you places because those places needed both of us--I think.

We're funny, and we're good looking and we could probably rule the world, one boba at a time.

You're a really good teacher, and you just want to make people happy. You aren't afraid of your sarcasm but I think you're a little bit afraid of disappointing the ones you care about most. You're independent, really independent. You'll be there when I get injured because of birds. It'll happen, darling, and you'll be there. You're smart enough to know what you want, but also your mind is open to what may be placed in front of you to try. Maybe like me? I know you don't like surprises, but I think I was a little bit of one.

Keep smelling good and being concerned about what you're wearing. Thanks for liking me even though I was awkward at first.

I love your family and that you share them with me. I love Tyler and Shelly, and Patty, too. (probably not as much as you do, but you know.) I love the days we didn't leave each others sides and the day my fingers were in between yours all day. I like that sometimes I bother you because then I know it's real. That's such a cliche thing to say, but that word just wears me out. I love the amount of time we spent with Rachel and I love when you grab me from behind. I love the amount of movies we have watched. (Thanks Shelly.)

Here's to shopping, and car rides, and Tex, and laughing and cat stretching. Here's to the amount of time we've spent in your living room and the amount of money we've spent of frozen yogurt. Here's to hoping this wasn't too much for you to take in. Here's to these last seven days.

"Up yours." because "Wow bud, that's really cool."