april.twentythird.twothousandfour.

my mom's version of birthday candles.

My littlest of the littles turned nine today. He's growing up, and losing teeth, and playing on two baseball teams. He's one of my best friends, really. (I want to wish him a happy one on here, even though he probably won't read this until I am married and we look back to laugh.)

There are days when I want to go back to being nine. When the stressors are which dress to wear, and who to play with after school. Where getting frozen yogurt was enough. (okay, that statement still stands still at seventeen.) Being nine isn't completely care free because you do have friends, and chores, and scratches, and homework and trying to color inside the lines. Nine is where coloring inside the lines begins.

Coloring inside the lines. This isn't the easiest of tasks. Sure, literally, it's not that hard. Metaphorically it is. Coloring inside the lines metaphorically is living a near perfect life. 

I started coloring inside the lines, but then came jealousy. Slip. Jealousy isn't something I like to discuss, or feel, or participate in. While "make 'em jealous" is a repeated phrase at high school I just don't like it. But, it happens. My best friend is extremely successful and beautiful. My brother will be an olympic athlete. Julie always saves the day. On occasion it's hard not to be jealous. 

I started coloring inside the lines, but then came college. Slip. Here, I'm mostly too excited to stay inside the lines. First was getting in. Second was not getting in. Third was deciding. I'm decided, and housed, and waiting for a roommate to come and give me more color outside my lines. 114 days 1 hour 49 minutes.

I started coloring inside the lines, but then came anxiety. I get anxious.

I started coloring inside the lines, but then came graduation. In a task to make senior year the best one yet I bit off a little bit more than I could chew for the time being. If I were a sophomore doing all the things I am, well, I'd be dumber, but I think I'd have the energy and motivation to keep going. I'm just ready to be done. All that being said, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing (other than maybe a grade or two.) I'm almost done. 36 days left. I'm scared, people. I'm scared of not finishing. I'm scared of missing J, and Hayden, and Madeline. I'm more ready than scared. I'm ready to enjoy the last 36 days.

I started coloring inside the lines, but then came God. He took me a different direction than what my head had pictured. He gave me weaknesses. Big weaknesses. He handed me a plate of a dozen cookies and told me to eat them all at once, and then bake them again. I'm learning so much about how to cope and what's important in my life. He's teaching me to make certain things priority over others, and coloring inside the lines isn't priority. Wrecking a car, and planning for surgery, and being jealous, and failing, and making people mad, and getting complaints, and hurting people were all part of what He wanted to show me. Making a best friend, and teaching, and crying happy tears, and finding a teacher, and writing, and photographing, and not caring was also there. Learning was what He wanted. It's still coming, but it's happening.

The thing is. No matter how crazy my writing is when I'm sick, and no matter how many mistakes I've made lately, there is a gorgeous picture outside of those lines. There's places that mean a lot. There's a painting, a crayon drawing, and a sketch of who I'm becoming outside those lines. There's a little drawing of a broken heart, and a little bit bigger heart that's full of hope. There's laughter outside those lines, and there are tears, too.


"What's your purpose in life?" -Addyson

enduringl.y
morgan

I Don't Know About Yours, But This Is My Truth

I don't want to say, "Remember when?" because that won't bring anything back. 

Here is the deal, I didn't want to write a big teen cliche "breakup" post, but currently, that's what's rolling off my fingers. I'm confused, and hurt, but I respect his decision one hundred percent. If I knew the details, I would let you know. 

Here's what I do know, though:
As many people have told me what to do, for today, I'm going to be sad. I'll find my happy soon, because I know right where it is, but to cope with my confusion, let me be blunt and sad.  Let me wear his tshirts to bed, and listen to all his music. Let me be friends with him still, if that's alright by him. And only if it doesn't toy with my emotions too much, because right now, I'm a bit unsure of what's going on, but too afraid to ask, so what it is now is fine. 

He taught me about family, and gave me his when I needed them most. He gave me an older brother, Matthew, who I know I'll look to, especially through change. He taught me not to worry. I learned what's important, (we'll talk about that later, love.) He taught me how to compromise.  

I learned that I'm harder to deal with then most, and I learned what to look for.

Girls, let me tell you a little something. I need you to learn to love yourself before you can "love" someone else. I loved Turner the way I knew how, and yes I still do;  The way I know how. But that's because I know how to make myself happy. I know how to be happy without someone glued at my hip, but when they are, it's even better. I know how to love God before anyone else, and I know how I work. (Sure, sometimes I forget how to deal with my anxieties, and sometimes it's too hard for others to handle. One day, someone will love my color coded planner and the way I do things. They'll love my almond snacking and the clothes that I wear.)

Things will work out if they're supposed to. And beyond my sad day today I see a beautiful future ahead of me.
Here's to UCLA and UofU. Here's to beginning again. Here's to my photography, and my writing, and my art. 

enduringly,
mo.rgan.