December 6, 2012

Today, and Answering Your Questions

I'm breaking my promise to myself and instead getting this out.

I felt done. I felt like I was finally past that 3 minute phone call. Two months was long enough for me to realize it all. My heart stopped pounding when I ate frozen yogurt, and I started listening to my favorite playlist again. 3 weeks ago I started being completely okay with you being gone. My heart was busy with other things, and I knew it would all be okay. I was, (and am) utterly happy.

I went to work today feeling the same thing until Kaden asked me what actually happened. I broke. My heart pounded and I felt everything. I felt it all. I missed him again. I didn't care what happened, or who asked, or why. I teared up and I just missed my friend. I haven't felt that for a long time, and I know I just have to sweep it under the rug again, but before I do, the following is for me.

I miss frozen yogurt, guacamole, PLL, and Wicked covers. I miss making fun of your best friend and Susan's treats. Remember how I never felt sad? Ever. I don't get to drive with my left hand, and, here's a secret, I love making you mad. That sarcasm hasn't come across again, and no one really seems to get mine like you did. I miss that darn ugly gorilla head and "that's what happens to black leather." (I literally just laughed.)

Hipster jokes? Prime. That shirt that Matthew ripped is still on the hanger because it makes me smile every time I see it. No one asks me questions over and over, or makes a big deal about my meat thing. No one offers me water, or makes me sit on the couch, or forces me to make all my own decisions anymore.

You're still the biggest facebook stalker I know. I bet you still run at night. I bet you miss lots of signals and make dinner every night. I hope you're having fun. Truly.

This broke my biggest promise to myself, "I will never write about him again." Darn.

I'm not trying to make him feel anything, or make him feel guilty. I'm just doing this for me.

I've never smiled so much while typing a blog post, actually. I just feel a little queazy, that's all. I hope he doesn't still read this.

Here's to a really, really great last six months.

And remember, I'll always love Tex the most.

P.S. Since I've had both yours and Matthew's Christmas gifts for 3 months now, can I still give them to you?


That One Redhead said...


I am sooo happy for you.

Eliza said...

Can you and Lola play tonight? I would love to talk with you.

Also. My three favorite males. I died.