Karuna Sahita

As time went by thoughts filled up my brain (and the notepad on my phone), and some of them are here to shared. (Uncut, unexplained, and unfinished.)

We couldn't be more opposite, you and I. Some reason though, we need each other. I'm still figuring out why.

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Your words are like knives that cut my wrist like my fingernails do when I need to be soothed.

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I'm ready to tell you the truth. I kept you around because it was convenient to have someone to say, "nice legs" with no commitment attached to the front of it, and nice to know that behind his tight grasp I had something to make him jealous if I'd ever needed to. I never did though because he was beautiful. I use the term was only because its been too long for me to make that call today. He's still beautiful in my mind, and maybe I'll see him again.

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There's a reason that there's always a J. Willard in my second semester seminary class. 

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I have insecurities that seem to be picking themselves out like an ink stain on a blank sheet of typewriter paper. As I sat tonight, next to beauties of poetry, I noticed that . . .

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I wonder what it will feel like to

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I don't like to put myself in social situations. That's not true. I love social situations, I'm just really, really bad at them. Usually some awkward person that I know I should say hello to but I don't know how, a cute boy that I'd love to small talk with and then that really pretty girl that I wish I were.

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So what if I like the nice boys, and the smart boys, and the boys that aren't perfectly beautiful. One time, I tried that and perfectly beautiful boys usually know how to run. Which is terribly unfortunate to the non runner.

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My thought process goes like this sometimes: was I a bad girlfriend? Do I pray loud enough? Do I talk to much in seminary? Is she actually more beautiful than me, or is it just me being my worst critic?

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I claim to like your best friend, but I flirt with you more, so that may cause a bit of trouble.

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I love love, no?

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Certain people make me feel safe. Connor once told me that I only take risks on occasion. Too bad he was right. Miles makes me feel safe, Logan makes me hesitate, Addy makes me feel at home, Marley makes me feel normal, and that's all safe.

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One time, 3 boys texted me all in one night just to say hello, and it wasn't even for Addy.

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Toby's comment today was too personal. It wasn't just him being the sexist pig that he is, it was a stab right at me.

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I'm holding my breath because every time I don't, I end up initiating something. It's bittersweet. Every boy I've ever kissed was only because I wanted to kiss them first, and do that I did. One day he will kiss me first.

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well, there's my bad writing for the month.

enduringly, mo.r.gan.